Understanding Investments
Stock
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
Bond
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
Broker
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
Bear
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
Bull
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
Margin
Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
Short Position
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
Commission
The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Yak
What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
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